It’s not you, it’s the habit you have.

We talk a lot about changing behavior in Vistage, the executive peer advisory group I lead, but never about changing you as a person.

That’s because I believe you are a whole person. You don’t have to change at your core. You’re perfect like you are in terms of your values and what you contribute to the world. You’re not a bad person if you have a behavior or habit that needs to be adjusted. It’s happened to all of us.

One Vistage member was considering relocating one of his offices. It was hurting him to do it. He knew people were going to be upset and families were going to be disrupted. He was struggling with it and we’d been talking about it for months during our one-to-one meetings. Eventually I said, “Look, we ought to take this to the group. You need to process this.”

It was coincidentally his month to host and we reserve the issue processing time for the host if they want the floor. We did process his relocation issue together and discussed all the information about his business with a fine-tooth comb, including why he needed to make this decision one way or the other. We followed Vistage’s renowned issue processing flow and during the call for suggestions one of our members looked at him and said, “I just think you have to get the courage to get it done because everything else is in place. You know you need to do it. Just get the courage and do it.” He sat up and proclaimed, “Oh my gosh, I am in my own way!” That was the light bulb moment. His over analysis was the behavior that needed to change.

This particular member has talked about this life-changing moment over and over again. He is doing the move now and it’s working. That is an example of my job of keeping the group focused, and identigying the need for group consideration.  This is so they can get to the solutions for each other and how they learn from each other’s problems. It’s also an incredible example of moving on and learning from a habit or behavior that needs a squashing.

If you feel like you need a small tweak or even a seismic shift, try these approaches to get out of your own way:  

Optimize good behaviors — Take what you do well and find a way to apply that to the things that are causing you a problem – you’re good at these things, so let’s do more of that over here where you’re having trouble. If you’re great with a crowd, and can think on your feet, the other side of that coin may be that you’re not great with analysis.  So, hire someone to help with that part, and do what you love. Or maybe you have a real skill for handling conflict, but you’ve got a blind spot when it comes to discipline. We can reframe these situations and teach you how to use your best strengths.

Listen to your coach, your colleagues, yourself —During coaching sessions, I love that moment when I ask someone a question and they say, “I didn’t realize I was doing that! I’ve never had that pointed out for me before..” SOmetimes it’s revealing when I say, “Have you ever thought about this action you’re taking and the connection to something from your childhood?” I know it’s not therapy, but every once in awhile those questions arise. The answer is often “I never realized that was the driver behind this behavior; I don’t need to do it anymore.” It’s like the joke about the woman who cut the ends off a roast because her mother didn’t have a big enough pan. Living in a constant state of assumptions is a dangerous place to be. Don’t be afraid to figure out why you do certain behaviors or find someone who will ask you why.

Pay attention to what you don’t do — It’s easy to forget the habits or behaviors you don’t have because they aren’t on your radar. However, your inaction may be interpreted as a loud statement.  If you used to manage by walking around, and you suddenly stop that behavior, your crew may spend a lot of time trying to figure out why.  They need to know when a long-standing pattern of behavior is going to change, because if you don’t tell them why, they will make it up. This is true in relationships too; if your spouse stops bringing home flowers, won’t you wonder why?